I know what Bible you got last summer

As I’ve listened over the years to why students show up to class with NIV study Bibles, I’ve been able to compile this accurate representation of the story in its universal form. You’ll find it eerily similar to your own story, you’ll wonder how I knew such things. If you’re actually interested in which Bible, you go to an added section in spitrie's Student Basics which helps you understand the differences between the versions.

✠

“. . . there you go son-or-daughter, I’m proud of your choice to attend College and study for ministry-or-corresponding-vocation. So we’ve decided to buy you a nice, shiny, new Bible.”
“Wow, it’s neato! Thanks parent(s)-or-guardian(s). You guys are ‘groovy.’”
“Ha-yuk, ha-yuk, ha-yuk, . . . now now, you’re not at college yet, young man-or-woman.”
“I’m sorry significant-people-or-person-in-my-life, I’m just so gosh darn excited.”
“Well, you’ll need to curb that youthful excitement of yours while you’re at college. It’s not all corn hole tossing and ice-cream socials there you know. It’s serious business; that’s why we purchased this New International Version Study Bible for you.”
“Wow, ‘international’ . . . wow!
“There you go again with your youthful excitement . . . what did we tell you about that!”
“I’m sorry disciplinary-figure-in-my-life, I’ll try harder, I really will.”
“Well, I’ll let it go this time. Anyway, about that Bible, Dr. Dobson seems to think it’s just about the best one produced in the history of the six thousand year old universe. Come over here and we’ll look at it together.” So the young man-or woman slid out a chair at the dinner table and sat looking at the shiny new NIV Study Bible.
“Wow, it sure is shiny, parent-or-guardian!”
“That it is, my son-or-daughter-or-ward, that it is.”
“Look at all the study notes, what are they for?”
“Well, they’re there so you don’t have to worry about what the verses mean; the study notes provide that information for you.
“Wow, I really am going to do well at College.” “That’s why we purchased this item for you.”
“Neato . . . oops, sorry, wonderful! But, parent-or-guardian, what does ‘New International Version’ mean?”
“Oh, it refers to the translation.” “Translation!? . . . from what?”
“From the King James Version. You see, the Lord gave us the King James Version about two thousand years ago. He threw it down from heaven and hit a man named Saul right in the head and knocked him to the ground. The holiness of the KJV immediately caused this wicked pharisee to repent and convert to Christianity and change his name to Paul. But because that kind of English is a little difficult for us to understand, the good people at Zondervan were asked by God to create a new translation that would faithfully represent the truth of the King James Version. And so here it is . . . with study notes to boot, so you don’t have to ever again worry about what the Lord wrote. It’s all right here in convenient packaging.
“Well, why should I go to College if I already have everything I need right here?”
“Ha-yuk Ha-yuk Ha-yuk, oh son-or-daughter-or ward, you make me chuckle. We already know everything we need to know about the Bible, so you’re not going to College to learn what it ‘means’ you’re going there to stomp out the fiery flames of liberal ideas; ideas like the KJV wasn’t actually thrown down by the Lord and hit Saul the wicked Pharisee on the head, or that God didn’t appear to the people at Zondervan in the form of an angel with silver plates etched upon with the very words of the NIV, you know, all that kind of crazy liberalism.”
“I will, parent-or-guardian, I will stomp out those vile lies, I’ll stomp them out with all of my might.”
“Good for you, my son-or-daughter-or ward. And if that doesn’t work, just shoot them.”